Our little family just got in from 3 wonderful days in Texas, and it was so hard to get back into the groove today. Mondays really aren't my favorite days anyway, but today was especially hard after spending time surrounded by my family. I love being with them and spending time with them. It's weekends like this that make me wish we were back in Amarillo. I really wish we lived closer to my parents and grandparents. We have always been so close, physically as well as emotionally, and living 5 hours away has really been weighing on me lately. However, the past 3 years I have been firm in thinking that I would never move back to the Amarillo area, and I can't help but think that my want to be back in Amarillo is more because of my dissatisfaction and unfulfillment with my life here in Oklahoma.
It's not that my entire life is bad. Actually, 95% of it is amazing. Brian and I are in a really good place in our relationship, the girls are wonderful and so happy, I finally have a great girlfriend/soul sister as well as fellow moms to hang out with and a group of runners to run with, Brian and I finally found a wonderful sitter so we can have much needed date nights, we have found a church that we absolutely love. Our house is great, our routines are great, our jobs are great...The only problem is I'm not happy with my job. That is literally the biggest issue in my life right now.
On paper my job is fantastic. I make great money, I have good benefits and a lot of perks, both financial and otherwise, at the office. But the job itself is not fulfilling. I've been feeling this way for a while, but my job is comfortable, and plus I don't know what I would do if I quit. I don't want to just go into another job. I want to start a career or do something I'm absolutely passionate doing. I just don't know what that is. Sad. I'm 27 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
Seeing my little brother graduate from Tech and the fact that he's going into law school in the fall just intensified my feelings of dissatisfaction. Don't get me wrong, I am SO proud of my brother and have been bragging to everyone about his accomplishments and future plans. But his Tech graduation and all of the hoopla surrounding it made me wish I had graduated from a more prestigious college and had put more focus on my profession or success outside of my family. Which of course makes me feel guilty because I want to focus on myself and my own personal satisfaction and I don't think I should be "allowed" that as a "wife" and mother. I am just feeling very lost and confused and conflicted. I want to do something I love but wont take away from my time or devotion to my family.
Soooo, I'm contemplating the idea of a 365 day blog challenge. I enjoy reading blogs and always feel that I need a creative outlet to express myself in order to be happy. Plus I'm hoping that 365 days of blogging could open up more writing opportunities with financial benefits or at the very least, or maybe this is the most important, inspire me in other ways or help me discover my true passion. Writing can be a really reflective and therapeutic activity that will lead me to discovering more about and what I need in life to feel accomplished and satisfied with my life outside of my family and role as a wife/mother.
I'm not quite sure what 365 days of blogging will look like. I think that for now I will just write and see where it leads me without really focusing on a theme. It will be fun to see how the blog (and myself) develops and grows over a year. And I'm not going to be overly strict in how many days I have to actually post a blog entry. With my all or nothing attitude, I would end up missing a day and feel like a failure. Plus the fun of writing would disappear. I think as long as I'm doing something for the blog every day (working on a post, taking pictures, doing research, etc.) the number of blog entries shouldn't matter too much as long as they're consistent.
I'm excited to see where this goes, and at least I feel like I'm doing SOMETHING rather than just sitting around feeling unhappy with how things are. So, props to me on that! Here's to a year-long journey in blogging.
-MK
