365 Days: A Challenge

Our little family just got in from 3 wonderful days in Texas, and it was so hard to get back into the groove today. Mondays really aren't my favorite days anyway, but today was especially hard after spending time surrounded by my family. I love being with them and spending time with them. It's weekends like this that make me wish we were back in Amarillo. I really wish we lived closer to my parents and grandparents. We have always been so close, physically as well as emotionally, and living 5 hours away has really been weighing on me lately. However, the past 3 years I have been firm in thinking that I would never move back to the Amarillo area, and I can't help but think that my want to be back in Amarillo is more because of my dissatisfaction and unfulfillment with my life here in Oklahoma.

It's not that my entire life is bad. Actually, 95% of it is amazing. Brian and I are in a really good place in our relationship, the girls are wonderful and so happy, I finally have a great girlfriend/soul sister as well as fellow moms to hang out with and a group of runners to run with, Brian and I finally found a wonderful sitter so we can have much needed date nights, we have found a church that we absolutely love. Our house is great, our routines are great, our jobs are great...The only problem is I'm not happy with my job. That is literally the biggest issue in my life right now.

On paper my job is fantastic. I make great money, I have good benefits and a lot of perks, both financial and otherwise, at the office. But the job itself is not fulfilling. I've been feeling this way for a while, but my job is comfortable, and plus I don't know what I would do if I quit. I don't want to just go into another job. I want to start a career or do something I'm absolutely passionate doing. I just don't know what that is. Sad. I'm 27 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Seeing my little brother graduate from Tech and the fact that he's going into law school in the fall just intensified my feelings of dissatisfaction. Don't get me wrong, I am SO proud of my brother and have been bragging to everyone about his accomplishments and future plans. But his Tech graduation and all of the hoopla surrounding it made me wish I had graduated from a more prestigious college and had put more focus on my profession or success outside of my family. Which of course makes me feel guilty because I want to focus on myself and my own personal satisfaction and I don't think I should be "allowed" that as a "wife" and mother. I am just feeling very lost and confused and conflicted. I want to do something I love but wont take away from my time or devotion to my family.

Soooo, I'm contemplating the idea of a 365 day blog challenge. I enjoy reading blogs and always feel that I need a creative outlet to express myself in order to be happy. Plus I'm hoping that 365 days of blogging could open up more writing opportunities with financial benefits or at the very least, or maybe this is the most important, inspire me in other ways or help me discover my true passion. Writing can be a really reflective and therapeutic activity that will lead me to discovering more about and what I need in life to feel accomplished and satisfied with my life outside of my family and role as a wife/mother.

I'm not quite sure what 365 days of blogging will look like. I think that for now I will just write and see where it leads me without really focusing on a theme. It will be fun to see how the blog (and myself) develops and grows over a year. And I'm not going to be overly strict in how many days I have to actually post a blog entry. With my all or nothing attitude, I would end up missing a day and feel like a failure. Plus the fun of writing would disappear. I think as long as I'm doing something for the blog every day (working on a post, taking pictures, doing research, etc.) the number of blog entries shouldn't matter too much as long as they're consistent.

I'm excited to see where this goes, and at least I feel like I'm doing SOMETHING rather than just sitting around feeling unhappy with how things are. So, props to me on that! Here's to a year-long journey in blogging.

-MK

Musings...

Ray Ban Sunglasses, Top: The Limted, Jeggings: Old Navy, Shoes: Target

 

Well, I lost it at lunch today. You know when you have those moments that you start out laughing and then somehow it morphs into crying and then you’re laughing while you’re crying because you know how ridiculous it is that you’re crying? Yeah, it was one of those. And poor hubs. He handled it so well but you know he’s sitting there thinking, ‘Holy crap! She’s lost it!’

This week I have been so down. It all started Monday morning when I woke up in a funk and I have not been able to shake it. I think some of it is because of my SADs. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’ve never been officially diagnosed with this disease, but I have all of the symptoms so I’m just going with it. Plus it’s hereditary and I remember my mom getting kind of down in the winter. She would seriously come home from school (she’s a teacher) and go straight to bed, get up and make dinner, and then go back to bed. Unless we just had cereal for dinner. Then she just stayed in bed till the next morning. Going home and going straight to bed is all that sounds appealing right now. I’m sure I’m worse today because it started snowing while I was driving to the office this morning. Everyone is going to the window and saying how pretty the falling snow looks…All I can see are slushy roads making for a terrible trip home and then probably icy sidewalks that I slip on while trying to get my daughter from daycare.

Another thing that is really affecting me is my job. I know I joked about my job and what my dream job would be like last week, but my current place of employment is bringing me down. Which isn’t really a fair statement because where I work isn’t bad. I work in a really nice medical office in a cool part of town, I get paid VERY well for what I do and I have awesome benefits, and most of the people I work with are pleasant. I guess that ties in with why I’m not 100% satisfied with my job. I haven’t really clicked with any of the women I work with…Most of them are older than me and while most are nice, there are a few who are just nasty. There are times I feel I’m back in high school with all of the gossip and backstabbing and just plain nastiness that goes on. And of course there is one woman leading it all…Who is 41, BTW, so you would think that she would act a bit more mature, but whatever! And the other reason that I’m not truly fulfilled or satisfied with my job is that I’m not passionate about what I do. But then I ask myself, what am I passionate about?

I seriously feel like I am just a wandering soul...Going from day to day with nothing that truly spikes my interest except for my family. Which is a huge interest to have! But unfortunately, being a wife and mother doesn't pay the bills. And I've tried being a stay-at-home mom and it wasn't enough for me. I need to be able to get dressed up and have adult interactions throughout the day and have a purpose outside of the home or I will lose my mind. I'm just having the hardest time finding what I want to spend basically 10 hours of my day doing.

I've thought about teaching group classes at a gym. I've even gone as far as find certification courses so that I would be able to teach Zumba (one of my favs!). But then I start to wonder how one gets a job at a gym and if being an instructor would pay my bills or if I would have to keep my 9-5 on top of working at a gym and then I wouldn't have time for my family and I would start to resent my job at my 9-5 or at the gym or both. And just like that I talked myself out of being a Zumba instructor. Then there was the time that I was going to focus on fasion, which is another love of mine, and try my hand at being a personal shopper/stylist. I got a part-time job at J. Crew which I absolutely loved! The people I worked with were amazing (both co-workers and customers), the discount was fantastic and I got to spend my time around beautiful clothes and people who loved clothes and fasion as much as I did. The only bad part about this job was that I was working my 9-5 and then going to J. Crew and not coming home until 10:00 at night. And when there are two sweet, cuddly little angels at home who need their mommy and a stressed out daddy who has been working all day as well...It wasn't worth it. I had to quit one of my jobs and since J. Crew wouldn't pay the bills, it had to go.

And of course, there's always teaching. I have my degree in History...I'm certified to teach 8-12 Social Studies...I love history and grew up the daughter and grandaughter of teachers so that life is very familiar and comfortable to me. The only problem is, I can't get a job. Forget the job...I can't even get an interview! Every year since I graduated I've applied at different schools and in 5 years I've had ONE interview. And I was 7 months pregnant at this interview so I wasn't shocked when I didn't get the job. We now live 5 hours from where I grew up, and if I were to look for a job in that area, I would have one in a second. I have tons of contacts there. But they don't help me here. So my parents sat me down while they were visiting over the weekend and suggested I go back to school and get my elementary education degree. They seem to think I would have more luck getting a job in an elementary school than at a highschool where most of the history teachers double as football coaches. So now I'm contemplating and Googling local colleges and requesting information...And also dreading the possibility of working full time while trying to get another degree. How in the world am I going to balance being a wife, mom, full time employee and (hopefully) full time student? I obviously have a lot of praying and pondering to do!





Fan Girling!

My Saturday was full of teenage, fan girl screams...And they were all coming from me. I definitely don't try to hide my love for celebrities. I buy trashy gossip magazines on a weekly basis, visit gossip and entertainment websites, and watch shows like Dish Nation, TMZ, and E! News on the regular. And now that I write that all out I realize how much time I waste on my celbri-love! But, imagine someone with my enthusiasm seeing a STAR in the flesh! Up-close and personal like. And someone who was my elementary, pre-adolescent crush!

Zac Hanson!!! Whoop Whoop!

I seriously had journals dedicated to this kid. This was back when Mmm-Bop was the big thing. My best friend and I would lock ourselves in my room with books and those really strong smelling markers (I think we might have gotten high off of those markers...Some of the things we wrote in our books...We either had to be thinking on a genius level or tripping on marker fumes!) and write poems and the lyrics of Hanson songs and debate on whether Taylor was a boy or a girl, all while fighting over who was going to marry Zac. So when I saw him standing in that Chick-Fil-A play area watching his lil' ones play...Well I had to fight the urge to start belting out old Hanson tunes while throwing myself at his feet. I didn't want to embarrass my husband and kids...Or get arrested. I didn't get a picture or autograph or even a hello, but I can always say that my children played in the Chick-Fil-A play area with Zac Hanson's little ones.

And after floating on a Hanson high the remainder of the day, hubs and I got hooked on Beyonce. I've always liked Beyonce, but I was never a huge fan. I don't have any of her CDs and I wasn't obsessed with her and Jay-Z's relationship or even Blue Ivey. But after seeing her performance at the Superbowl I developed a huge girl crush. Her body is banging, her voice is flawless, dance moves on point...She is the perfect mix of classy and sexy. I was a little shocked when I walked into our bedroom and hubby was starting the Beyonce/Oprah special, but after watching 10 minutes of it, we were both scrambling to get HBO on our TV so we could watch Beyonce's documentary. Yes, we subscribed to HBO just for "Life's But a Dream". I loved getting that glimpse into Beyonce's life, and seeing her and Jay-Z sing "Yellow" to each other was the cutest thing ever.

I don't know that Bey's documentary made me love her any more, but it definitely cemented my new-found admiration for her. Something else that I've found...I am usually looking at itty-bitty skinny celebrities and wanting to have their stick legs and bobble heads, but I love the fact that Beyonce is fit and healthy and has an ass and thighs and hips and freaking ROCKS it! That is how I am built and seeing her look so sexy in her little leotard has allowed me to find a new appreciation for my curvy bod and has inspired me to stop trying to be skinny but start trying to be healthy. So thank you Beyonce! That mind shift was definitely needed.

And that was my Saturday in a nut-shell. But you better believe, next time I see a celebrity, I will be ready with the camera. I will not fail again!

Everyday Curls

About 3 or 4 or 5 months ago, my BFF of 14 years asked me to show her how I curl my hair. Seeing as how we live 5 hours away from each other these days, I made her a video. Finally. Months after she asked! Sorry Lac! But here it is....And now for the disclaimer: I am DEFINITELY not a professional "how-to" video maker, nor am I a professional hair stylist/make-up artist. Just a girl helping a sista out and having fun!! Soooo....without further ado...I present "Everyday Curls". Or my favorite way to say it, "Err-Day Curls". Inspired by Drake of course.

J-O-B...And you know this man!

To say I like my job would be a bit of a stretch. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all bad. I am paid a ridiculous amount of money to sit at my desk and shuffle papers, answer a few phone calls, and most importantly, listen to Kidd Kraddick in the Morning or Pandora from the time I arrive at the office to the time I leave. Plus I’ve always said that I wanted a job that I show up to, don’t have any real pressing issues or responsibility, and leave at 4:30 every day. And that’s exactly what I have! So I don’t know why I dread coming to work every morning. But realistically, I can’t think of a job that I would seriously LOVE to have. I have my degree in teaching and am certified to teach junior high and high school Social Studies. Unfortunately, when I did my student teaching I realized that all high schoolers and most junior high kids are brats, and at that time it was WAY too late to change my major! I was graduating in 2 months…There was no way I was starting over from square one. And if I’m honest, one of the biggest reasons I wanted to teach was for the summers. Who wouldn’t want to get paid for two months while doing nothing but working on their tan? Hello! Sign me up! Since I started working at my “dream” job that meets all of the criteria I previously mentioned, I have added to that list. My perfect job consists of the following (starting with the most logical):

 

1. Fantastic Health Benefits
2. A HSA that the employer contributes to
3. Paid Time Off
4. GREAT PAY (Duh. That should be numero uno!)
5. Hours are 9-4:30 with an extended lunch hour if needed
6. Flexible hours during the day to accommodate for mid-morning/afternoon workouts
7. Easy access to websites such as Pandora, Kidd Kraddick in the Morning, Yahoo, Google, style blogs, etc.
8. Cell Service
9. Free Wi-Fi

I’m sure there are others such as a Starbucks in a 5 mile radius of the office as well as on-call masseurs, but I’m not going to get crazy. All kidding aside, there are so many things I would do if I had more time during the day. I would like to take group classes at a gym, learn to play the piano and/or guitar, write a book, write magazine articles, become a certified Zumba instructor, start and maintain a some-what interesting and popular blog. And if you ask me, the thing that keeps me from accomplishing my “wants” is my 9 to 5. Or 7:30 to 4:30 if we’re technical. It’s impossible to be gone from the house over 9 hours a day and still have time to keep a spotless (HA!) home as well as play with the kids and hang with the hubby and take time for myself as well. The more I write this, the more obvious it becomes that I need to quit my job for a happier, more fulfilling life! Now, what to do about all of that credit card debt?

Oh, and speaking of…I made it through Monday without making an unnecessary purchase. And only because hubby wouldn’t take my debit card to Wal-Mart to buy a new router for our computer. But this morning I made up for it by buying Starbucks. I guess you could rationalize that it was ABSOLUTELY necessary for me to have coffee in order to make it through the morning. Let’s just not mention that there is free coffee in the break room. Totally not the same. And I AM keeping my eyelash extension appointment this evening. Whatever. I’m a girly girl and a girly girl needs impossibly long and full lashes even before mascara is put on! Get over it. I guess I should get back to my actual job. The fact that I’m writing this excerpt in an email window and will later copy and paste it into Blogger is ridiculous…But again, I’m a busy woman and a busy woman has to master multitasking! TaTa!!

And I leave you with beautiful self portraits taken in the office bathroom. Complete with a nostril shot! Whoop :)

A Baptism and A Challenge

I have been in such a funk all day today, which is really sad considering I was baptized today. I think they forgot I bless the water before I was dunked because I came out full of demons. I had no patience at all day which doesn't bode well when eating out with two little girls and then shopping for an indecisive husband with no fashion sense. (Don't tell him I said that.) He was on edge too...even after being baptized with me! I'm telling you, something was in the water. But the combo of both of us PMSing was not a pretty one. We would try to be sweet to each other and then I would "accidentally" steer him into a pole as we walked down the sidewalk. Oh well. That was my biggest laugh of the day.

I think my terrible attitude was in part because I "had" to return a pair of beautiful Prada sunglasses that I bought yesterday. True, they were completely unnecessary but also completely GORGEOUS. So much so that hubby noticed them as soon as I put them on. He never notices when I get something new. And when he finally does I act like I've had it for years. Like I would wear something from 2 years ago! Obviously, he was not very happy when he found out I paid $200 for a pair of sunglasses when I already have 2 pair that cost about that much. That was a lie anyway. The glasses were $300. So I had to take them back to keep the peace. He probably wouldn't have been so annoyed if I didn't have such a shopping problem and an insane amount of credit card debt. Mostly all of it from fashionable investments. I can't help myself. If I have money in my pocket, I want to spend it. And then some. Am I the only one who understands the need for 2 pairs of Ray Ban sunglasses, 3 Dooney and Burke purses (small, medium and large I course), and 3 pairs of black heels in varying heel heights?

I realize I really do have a slight problem so in an attempt to make myself (but mostly hubs) happy, I'm giving myself a 30 day challenge where I only spend money on my monthly payments (car, debt, cell phone, etc.), gas, and I've allotted $150 for groceries. This will really be a challenge. In fact I'm already feeling deprived. I can't go to Wal-Mart for apples without coming home with apples AND 3 tubes of lipstick, all in varying berry shades. I'm really digging pinks and purples right now. Now I'm wondering, with this challenge I have going, does this mean I need to cancel my eyelash extension fill that is scheduled for Tuesday? I know it's absolutely frivolous, but since I already had it planned for the month, can I just lump it in with my car payment? While I ponder on that, I'm going to get back to the Grammys and continue to formulate my plan of becoming a tambourine player in some indy-folk band. I mean, who can't play a tambourine?!

Oh, and my dear Prada sunnies...You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and ooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnn.