Musings...

Ray Ban Sunglasses, Top: The Limted, Jeggings: Old Navy, Shoes: Target

 

Well, I lost it at lunch today. You know when you have those moments that you start out laughing and then somehow it morphs into crying and then you’re laughing while you’re crying because you know how ridiculous it is that you’re crying? Yeah, it was one of those. And poor hubs. He handled it so well but you know he’s sitting there thinking, ‘Holy crap! She’s lost it!’

This week I have been so down. It all started Monday morning when I woke up in a funk and I have not been able to shake it. I think some of it is because of my SADs. Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’ve never been officially diagnosed with this disease, but I have all of the symptoms so I’m just going with it. Plus it’s hereditary and I remember my mom getting kind of down in the winter. She would seriously come home from school (she’s a teacher) and go straight to bed, get up and make dinner, and then go back to bed. Unless we just had cereal for dinner. Then she just stayed in bed till the next morning. Going home and going straight to bed is all that sounds appealing right now. I’m sure I’m worse today because it started snowing while I was driving to the office this morning. Everyone is going to the window and saying how pretty the falling snow looks…All I can see are slushy roads making for a terrible trip home and then probably icy sidewalks that I slip on while trying to get my daughter from daycare.

Another thing that is really affecting me is my job. I know I joked about my job and what my dream job would be like last week, but my current place of employment is bringing me down. Which isn’t really a fair statement because where I work isn’t bad. I work in a really nice medical office in a cool part of town, I get paid VERY well for what I do and I have awesome benefits, and most of the people I work with are pleasant. I guess that ties in with why I’m not 100% satisfied with my job. I haven’t really clicked with any of the women I work with…Most of them are older than me and while most are nice, there are a few who are just nasty. There are times I feel I’m back in high school with all of the gossip and backstabbing and just plain nastiness that goes on. And of course there is one woman leading it all…Who is 41, BTW, so you would think that she would act a bit more mature, but whatever! And the other reason that I’m not truly fulfilled or satisfied with my job is that I’m not passionate about what I do. But then I ask myself, what am I passionate about?

I seriously feel like I am just a wandering soul...Going from day to day with nothing that truly spikes my interest except for my family. Which is a huge interest to have! But unfortunately, being a wife and mother doesn't pay the bills. And I've tried being a stay-at-home mom and it wasn't enough for me. I need to be able to get dressed up and have adult interactions throughout the day and have a purpose outside of the home or I will lose my mind. I'm just having the hardest time finding what I want to spend basically 10 hours of my day doing.

I've thought about teaching group classes at a gym. I've even gone as far as find certification courses so that I would be able to teach Zumba (one of my favs!). But then I start to wonder how one gets a job at a gym and if being an instructor would pay my bills or if I would have to keep my 9-5 on top of working at a gym and then I wouldn't have time for my family and I would start to resent my job at my 9-5 or at the gym or both. And just like that I talked myself out of being a Zumba instructor. Then there was the time that I was going to focus on fasion, which is another love of mine, and try my hand at being a personal shopper/stylist. I got a part-time job at J. Crew which I absolutely loved! The people I worked with were amazing (both co-workers and customers), the discount was fantastic and I got to spend my time around beautiful clothes and people who loved clothes and fasion as much as I did. The only bad part about this job was that I was working my 9-5 and then going to J. Crew and not coming home until 10:00 at night. And when there are two sweet, cuddly little angels at home who need their mommy and a stressed out daddy who has been working all day as well...It wasn't worth it. I had to quit one of my jobs and since J. Crew wouldn't pay the bills, it had to go.

And of course, there's always teaching. I have my degree in History...I'm certified to teach 8-12 Social Studies...I love history and grew up the daughter and grandaughter of teachers so that life is very familiar and comfortable to me. The only problem is, I can't get a job. Forget the job...I can't even get an interview! Every year since I graduated I've applied at different schools and in 5 years I've had ONE interview. And I was 7 months pregnant at this interview so I wasn't shocked when I didn't get the job. We now live 5 hours from where I grew up, and if I were to look for a job in that area, I would have one in a second. I have tons of contacts there. But they don't help me here. So my parents sat me down while they were visiting over the weekend and suggested I go back to school and get my elementary education degree. They seem to think I would have more luck getting a job in an elementary school than at a highschool where most of the history teachers double as football coaches. So now I'm contemplating and Googling local colleges and requesting information...And also dreading the possibility of working full time while trying to get another degree. How in the world am I going to balance being a wife, mom, full time employee and (hopefully) full time student? I obviously have a lot of praying and pondering to do!